The other night, I was on the fringe of a momversation about designer jeans. One hundred and eighty dollar designer jeans. As much as I would like to own a pair of jeans that would lift my junk back into my trunk, I am unemployed. One hundred and eighty dollar jeans are out of the question.
I live in jeans. I’ve got my play-on-the-floor jeans and my work-outside jeans. I have a pair that I must wear with a belt and a pair with raggedy legs from being scuffed under my shoes. I have a couple of pairs I can wear if I fast for a day or two (these are my standing room only jeans) and then there’s the button fly pair of American Eagle jeans that I bought in college and can’t bring myself to give away. The problem is that none of them fit me quite right. They either give me a troubling case of missingassitis or they underscore the mommy pooch I am continually trying to hide.
Yesterday, with the ladies’ postulations ringing in my head, I shimmied, shook, and struggled into no fewer than ten pairs of jeans at TJ Maxx. None of them fit. Skinny jeans with a one-inch fly may look good on the hanger but they ain’t gonna cut it in real life. Not mine, anyway. Jeans that have bell bottoms wider than my own bottom look just plain silly. And I flat-out refuse to buy jeans that are pre-ripped or have more than one zipper. So what’s left? Mom Jeans? C’mon now! I have three kids and am well into my fourth decade but hells if I’m ready for that. 
Let’s face it: most people look better clothed than naked. I know I do. Even so, if I don’t find a pair of damnmyasslooksgoodinthese jeans soon, I may start leaving my pants on the ground.
OINKtales 
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May 18, 2011 at 1:09 pm
Stephanie
Maybe $180.00 is too much, but for about $100 you could get a really great pair and feel really good in them. We all need that 1 pair that make us say, “I look good!”. I too am looking. Splurge a little, you are worth it.
May 18, 2011 at 4:07 pm
Mary the OINKteller
I think I’d consider it if I could find even 1 pair that I liked! So far, nadda. But I’ll keep looking. Maybe we should shop together?
May 18, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Corrado
I’ve spent $100 on jeans. …of course, that was over the course of several months & 4-5 pairs…
May 18, 2011 at 4:07 pm
Mary the OINKteller
Yes, but tell me what you’ve spent on sneakers. The truth hurts Corrado!
May 18, 2011 at 2:10 pm
Krisandra
I haven’t spent more than $5 on a pair of jeans in the past 15-20 years. NO clothing is worth spending a bunch of money on, IMO. 2 words: THRIFT STORES.
No, you probably won’t find the perfect pair on your first try, or even your 5th, but every good OINK parent should be thrifting… it’s good for our wallets and good for the planet (and you just never know what you might find… people willing to spend $180 on jeans are typically the type to just donate them, not try to resell)!
May 18, 2011 at 4:10 pm
Mary the OINKteller
I am a thrift store browser/shopper too and while I have purchased other things from various shops, I have not found any watch yourself! jeans. I did, however, pick up an amazing Mad Men-ish dress the other day for cheap. No place to wear it though. Hmm, guess that wasn’t so thrifty of me, after all. I need lessons! Thanks for commenting!
May 18, 2011 at 2:43 pm
Tori Nelson
Target. $20. Just make sure you’re not in the Juniors Department. After a rushed trip to the store (shreiking baby in tow) I accidentally wandered home with itty bitty skinny jeans with studded pockets 😦
May 18, 2011 at 4:17 pm
Mary the OINKteller
Thanks for the suggestion, Tori, but Vermont does not have a Target. Let me repeat that for effect, Vermont does NOT have a Target! It’s a travesty, I tell you. The closest one to me is a ferry ride away in Plattsburgh, NY. I make pilgrimages about twice a year. The last time, I tried on a butt load of jeans only to find that I couldn’t squeeze my butt into any of them. I was the one shrieking then! Thanks for making me feel better; maybe I was in the juniors dept. 😉
May 18, 2011 at 4:07 pm
Jenn
I hear you, jeans are the bane of my existence! I’ve spent more hours trying on jeans than bathing suits. That being said, I have found a few good pairs of jeans. Banana Republic — on sale. Gap trouser jeans. J. Crew, if you can find them on clearance…and then there are my faves from Costco : ) And if you’ve seen me in them and think I look awful, please keep it to yourself. I can’t go through that again.
Now that my wardrobe is outfitted with denim, I guess I should resume my search for the perfect swimming costume. Ugh.
May 18, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Mary the OINKteller
LOL, Jenn! I’ll try Banana Republic and see if I can find any on sale – good suggestion. I haven’t browsed there in a very long time. I think you and I have similar shopping haunts – I have quite a few pieces from Costco, too. 😉 You always look fabulous and that’s all there is to it. Good luck with the swimsuit issue. Try Lands’ End if Athleta isn’t working for you. I bought two suits from LE last summer and I like ’em alot.
May 20, 2011 at 4:04 pm
Jenn
OMG! Got a bathing suit online from Gap and I like it!!! Only catch, it’s a bikini, which means I need to hit the gym hard for the next month and will probably be sporting a cover-up ALL the time. Or maybe the confidence fairies will rain down on me before public pool season and I’ll just be rockin’ the bare midriff : )
May 23, 2011 at 7:51 am
Mary the OINKteller
You rock your midriff! Go girl!
May 18, 2011 at 6:14 pm
Sarah Boucher
Sad thing is that after decades at size 2, I now prefer the old ladies jeans with the elastic waist. One reason- they sit at MY WAIST, not several inches and several rolls of fat down below that! And they fit, and are comfortable, any time of the day or month. I prefer to wear them with long tops or sweaters, so that the elastic waist is not so obvious…
May 19, 2011 at 7:25 am
Mary the OINKteller
For a year after Small was born I continued to wear my maternity jeans with the big elastic panel in the front. They were super comfy! Now, I reach for my yoga pants after a big meal. The only problem with them is that they are not dog-hair compatible so I can’t leave the house after I’ve sat on the couch (a.k.a., Paco’s bed).
May 18, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Dugutigui
I do not think we need clothes for living. Animals don’t use them, and they are doing very well. All animals are comfortable naked. And if bear can survive the winter without a military parka and four Timberlands, probably hairy and obese guys could survive as well. Maybe the rest of us are going to croak, but hey, that’s evolution.
May 19, 2011 at 7:28 am
Mary the OINKteller
I live in too cold a place to go ’round naked but I certainly bulk up in the wintertime. Survival of the fittest. Thanks for commenting.
May 18, 2011 at 7:34 pm
Alexis
I am the buyer of the designer jeans! Yes I’ll own it. In public. Although for the record they were $150 not $180.
In defense of my $150 jeans:
My life is not full of luxuries. I drive a 10 year old car that will never be clean again. I am generally wearing faded gap t-shirts and my hair got so long after I went a whole year without a haircut that I donated it to locks of love last spring. I understand that choosing to be a SAHM means making financial sacrifice and have long come to accept that truth. However I don’t think that means that you don’t get to have any special things. In fact I think everybody deserves the occasional luxury item – whatever would be most fun for you.
Secondly being a SAHM means I usually look and am tired and unshowered. I went to a party this weekend and these two ladies (w/o kids) were wearing the most adorable shoes and their toes sparkled like blue sapphires. I was wearing hiking shoes because nobody would want to look at my toes while they were eating. And I sat there dazzled by the sparkle of their toes wondering when did I let myself become such a frump?
Third I’m quite tall and most people would say I have a “boyish” figure (if they were being kind). It’s not easy to find clothes that fit much less that are flattering. So I default to buying unflattering but reasonable clothes and most of the time I look in my closet and SIGH.
So yes I bought a $150 pair of jeans. They make my ass look so good I guarantee any ONE of you would want to give it a little tap if you saw me wearing them. If I wear them with heels I look like I’m 10 feet tall. And amazingly they create absolutely NO muffin top (and seriously, isn’t that ALONE worth a few $$$)? In fact the discussion Mary overheard was about the fact that I hardly ever wear them and that I should be wearing them ALL THE TIME (which I think I may start to do at least until it gets too hot – which will happen in about a week or so).
So judge me if you want. But I think I deserved a pair of jeans that look awesome. And what’s more? I think you do to!
Loud and proud:)
Alexis
May 19, 2011 at 7:54 am
Mary the OINKteller
You look better than awesome, Alexis! You don’t know how I envy your legs that go on forever. If you wear your jeans to the cupcake party I promise to give your ass adulation and will even promote it if you want. Hey, Johnny’s Dad! Have you seen Alexis’ ass in these jeans? Asstastic, right? 😉
I absolutely hear you about feeling tired and unwashed – it’s hard to muster the energy to care about what I’m wearing or how I’m looking in the carpool, at swim lessons or the grocery store. Which is probably why I keep adding to my stock of unworn party dresses. Now that I think about this, maybe I should swap my unworn party dresses for a pair of my own asstastic jeans. Now that’s the ticket…
May 24, 2011 at 7:38 am
Franny
I call them ‘guys turn their heads when I’m walking the dog’ jeans. I agree with Alexis – the jeans – and you – are worth a small splurge. I have had great luck with the fit of “Not Your Daughter’s Jeans” and “French Dressing”. They fit great and last.
May 27, 2011 at 9:54 am
Mary the OINKteller
Great tips, Franny, thanks! I’ll try and find both those brands. I found a pair of Ann Taylor loft jeans at Plato’s Closet the other day. They fit alright – not great but better than what was in my closet.
May 18, 2011 at 8:07 pm
lisa
Most of my jeans are Gap, thrifted. I really like the way they fit but don’t want to further enrichen the Gap empire.
I do have a pair of designer jeans, also thrifted, and I tell you, I *save* them for special occasions because they make my butt look about as good as it ever will again.
May 19, 2011 at 8:01 am
Mary the OINKteller
I’ve had Gap jeans in the past – one pair wore well, the other did not. I’m still on the hunt, though. Thanks for stopping by!
May 19, 2011 at 3:46 am
Lisa Z
I am the owner of a very expensive pair of jeans and let me tell you they are worth it. But only for special occasions.
I used to wear Gap jeans but in the past 2 years I have decided that they really don’t fit me as well as they should and I *really* don’t like this bit of belly I now have spilling over the top. So I decided to try Levis. And let me tell you, they are magic. I can’t remember the style number but they have some that fit at a proper waist (no undies showing out the top!) and they come in a lot of colors. Go on the Macy’s website and read the reviews! They speak for themselves!!
P.S. Alexis, I’m tall too and these come in long lengths as well!!
May 19, 2011 at 8:14 am
Mary the OINKteller
I’m logging on to Macy’s right now! Thanks for the tip. I’ve had Levis in the past and have liked the way they’ve fit. With any luck, I’ll find a pair before Reunion in June. Fifteen years!
May 19, 2011 at 10:11 am
Aliciajean
I too was a part of this jeans conversation. I offered up my story of how I got a great deal on my pair and they are worth every penny!!!I went to Echo in search of a dress for a wedding I have in July. I ended up leaving with my jeans instead. Let me just say I did use $75.00 dollars of gift card money I got on Vermontopia.com. Having only spent half of what these jeans normally cost I think I am due for a another pair 😉 Too bad I have nothing to wear to the wedding. Maybe I should swap Mary for the great dress from the thrift store.
Now how about we talk about the guilt I have been feeling for finally buying myself some real polarized sunglasses. I am soo paranoid about losing them or breaking them that I never wear them.
May 23, 2011 at 7:48 am
Mary the OINKteller
Your jeans look great on you Alicia! Glad I got to see them in action. 😉 You are welcome to borrow a dress of mine, anytime. I have only started wearing sunglasses since I got contact lenses. I get the cheap-os though as my kids like to use them to play dress-up. Thanks for your comment!
May 19, 2011 at 11:42 am
Melissa's Meanderings
And jeans are supposed to be the simple easy outfit choice! HA!
May 23, 2011 at 7:49 am
Mary the OINKteller
Agreed!
May 22, 2011 at 1:03 pm
Kristen
I vote for standardized sizing in the US! I found a pair of Gaps I liked, I bought 5 pairs…..same jeans, different washes….(yes, life would be easier if we all had to wear a standard uniform). Not ome pair of those jeans fit the same as the other and they are all different lengths! What the heck! Where is the Q.C. Gap?
Mary, like your other readers, I encourage you to go to Echo and just do a try on. I did this a while back, and left very depressed cause nothing fit, but I know your fit bod will find something and you will love it! Having said that, I use to source fabric, and I REALLY don’t want to tell how much these companies pay for denim by the yard, or the hardware, or the first cost to them…… You might never buy anything again when you find out that they probably pay! As always, so happy to see you writing!
May 23, 2011 at 8:05 am
Mary the OINKteller
Thanks Kristen! Standardized sizing in the US would b awesome. Vanity sizes are all well and good for our egos but in practicality it’s not so helpful. I tried on the same size, different brands of jeans; some I was swimming in, some I couldn’t get over my knees (forget about my thighs!). Henry watched me try on so many pairs that he made a game of estimating whether or not they’d fit me before I took them off the hanger. This reminds me of a Sheilaism (my term for my mother’s zingers) from the other day:
Sheila: “Mary, you look nice. What size are you wearing?”
Me: “Thanks, Mom. I’m finally back into an X.”
Sheila: “Really? Wow! But sizes are so much bigger nowadays than when I was your age.”
Me: *Sigh*