I took the kids with me to the grocery store today, not by choice but by necessity. If I had attempted to serve them what was left in the cupboard—namely artichoke hearts and black olives—they might have tried to bury me in the backyard. Winter break is interminable.

Before we went, I tried to prepare myself and them. I carefully wrote out a shopping list (by aisle, no less), made sure their little stomachs were full (we went directly after lunch), and spoke with each of them about the difference between “helpful” and “unhelpful” behavior (Putting items Mommy hands you into the cart = Helpful. Attempting to lie down on the bottom rack of the cart = Unhelpful.).

Not that any of this ultimately mattered.

Kid Dialogue:

“I’m hungry!”


“But he scared me!”

“I want this!”


“OW! Mom! Liam just ran over my leg!”

“Can we have gummies?”

“But everybody else has these in their lunch!”

“How come YOU always get to pick out what WE eat?”



“Stop it!”

“He’s doing it again!”

“I wanna see the lobsters.”

“But I’m still looking at the lobsters!”



“Mom! Look what he did!”


“THEN can I have a muffin?”

“How come HE always gets what he wants?”

“I hafta go to the bathroom.”

“We need gum!”

“More gum!”

“Oh, no! I dropped my quarter!”

“Mommy, you gotta go back!”

Mom Dialogue:

“But you just ate!”

“Please, put that back.”

“Stop sniffing the rotisserie chicken. Remember last time?”


“Where did Henry go?”

“Say ‘excuse me’.”

“I’m sorry. Excuse us.”

“Try harder not to run into people.”

“Get back in the cart.”

“Don’t hang on the side of the cart.”

“Be careful of the eggs!”


“Get back in the cart.”

“Just put it back.”




“Get out of the cart.”

“Please, guys, we’re almost done. Keep it together.”

I am sure I had more than a glint of crazy in my eyes by the time we reached the cashier.

And that was before I noticed there was no bagger.

Would I like wine with my whine? Why thank you, I would.

P.S. This is one of the funniest commercials out there, thanks to my friend, K, for sharing it: