A friend of mine sent me a link to an ABC feature piece. It starts with this 40 year old riddle: A father and son are in a horrible car accident. The father dies at the scene. The son is transported via ambulance to the closest hospital. In the emergency room, the head surgeon says, “I cannot operate on this boy; he is my son.” Who is the head surgeon?
This is easy, right?
Except, for some people, it isn’t.
The thought behind the ABC piece was to survey different generations; ostensibly to demonstrate that kids raised in the 21st century view the world more broadly than kids raised in the 70s. And largely, I think this is true. We’ve come a long way, baby.
I couldn’t wait to pose the riddle to my own brood. After dinner, while my husband was clearing the table, I put the question to Small, Medium and Large.
They were stumped.
First, I was shocked. Then I was mad at myself. I had incorrectly assumed they would consider the answer obvious: the head surgeon is the boy’s mother. (I think another correct answer is that the boy has two fathers and, interestingly, Liam did suggest that as a possible answer. It just wasn’t the one I was looking for.)
While they eventually came to the right conclusion (after some large hints from me), I was saddened by the whole thing. Why hadn’t they guessed it was the boy’s mother? And then it hit me: It’s my fault. I haven’t done enough to teach them about gender equality. I quickly traversed my well-worn path of self-doubt. Am I doing more harm than good by staying home with them? Am I just perpetuating a stereotype? It’s not as if I’ve ever been a model for feminism but I never talked with them about my career or explained how difficult it was for me to leave my job. How difficult it is for me some days, even now. In all likelihood, they just see me as their mom. The woman who nags them to do their homework and wash behind their ears and pick up after themselves. The woman who makes dinner and folds laundry and carts them to their after school activities. That’s probably how they view most moms.
That has to change.
And that’s my job.
OINKtales 
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September 28, 2010 at 3:02 pm
rforcier
Great post! I often worry about this, even more so recently since “staying home” with no kids actually at home. I am adjusting to this new phase, but wonder what benefit I am ultimately having on my children. I stay home so they aren’t in after-school care, so I can be there for all the little moments and share in every possible moment of these quickly moving years. That said, I often wonder what I am modeling. So far, my daughter says only that she wants to be a doctor. I am somewhat pleased by that. So far so good. Her goal in life is not just to marry one. My boys, however, were surprised to hear me say that I sat down to review our finances and pay bills the other day. My son actually said, with a surprised tone, “you know how to do that?” That was when we sat down to have a long talk about my previous “career”, why I stopped doing it, how important a college degree is (while I secretly pondered that inside). I was still questioning myself as they listened with blank stares. However, today as I visited my 97 year old grandmother, I had an epiphany. When I told her I was confused about what to do “next” with my life. She said, “you already have a job and it’s the best one you will ever have. Trust me.” Wisdom.
September 29, 2010 at 10:34 am
Mary
Thanks Rhonda! I am glad to know that I am not alone in this worry. As much as I love being able to be home with the kids, I also wonder if I should be leading by example. But like your grandmother says, raising children is a job and we have to trust ourselves that we will do it well. Side note: Just after I posted yesterday, Henry informed me that “Dad is the boss of dis house.” I probably should have used this as a leaping off point but instead I told him that I am the boss of this house. Still burning from this exchange an hour later, I just about jumped on Liam when he came home from school. “Who’s the boss in our house,” I asked him. Smart kid that he is, he sized up my emotional state and asked, “Why do you want to know?” I tried to sound noncommittal when I told him, “Henry gave me his opinion and now I want yours.” He raised an eyebrow at that and then said, “90% of the time it’s you. The other 10% it’s dad. Guess what? We learned about percentages in math today.” If nothing else, my eldest child has learned how to mollify his mother.
September 29, 2010 at 9:32 pm
Kim Gleason
I look forward to posing this riddle to my brood and share your self-doubt on the conflict in our current roles. Definitely not what I expected 15 years ago….From full-time after kid 1, to no-time after kid 2, to part-time after kid 3 and back to no-time after kid 4…I’ve tried it all and know I am doing what is best for our “whole” for right now, but definitely looking for just the right opportunity to model the application of the many years in grad school at night and prior successful business career, for my three girls and son. Probably not today….today I am just the mom, and as important as that is, so much has been sacrificed and gained to be just the mom. In the end of the day, I guess we are pretty lucky! Not willing to outsource the 3-9 o’clock crazy, just yet!!! 🙂
October 4, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Mary
It is both ridiculous and awful that being “just the mom” sometimes does not feel like enough. It should be more than enough and I know plenty of working moms who would give their eye-teeth to be at home full-time. We ARE lucky so why do we feel this way? I know and I don’t know. I can only do my best and hope that I am having a positive influence on my children. (I am also doing my damndest not to lose “me” in the shuffle.)