Dear Reader:

Everybody’s doing it, so why shouldn’t I?

Here are some of my favorite oinks from the last seven months (can you believe it’s been seven months?!). Maybe you’ve read them before. But, maybe not. I encourage you to read them. Again, if necessary. You’ll enjoy. I promise.

In closing, THANK YOU for coming on this ride with me. Keep the laughs going and the comments flowing. My best to you and yours for a happy and healthy 2010!

Peace and love,
Mary

Anatomy 101
Posted May 30, 2009
A short discussion about the birds and the bees.

Farewell Pepe Le Pew
Posted August 15, 2009
Standing trial after running over a small woodland creature.

The Secret of the Pork
Posted October 13, 2009
Why Small doesn’t know where bacon comes from.

Daddy Does
Posted October 30, 2009
Appreciation for my husband’s way of doing things.

H1N1 Hysteria
Posted November 16, 2009
Hell hath no fury like a surprised five-year-old.

Come Fly With Me
Posted September 22, 2009
My personal favorite.

Want more?  Check out my Oldies But Goodies page.  Then come back tomorrow night for an all new oink!

It’s that time of year. Heaps of stress, never-ending lists, presents that will not wrap themselves no matter how hard I wish it, (plus!) scheduling my annual pilgrimage to church with my mother.

The funny thing is, I love the holidays. I love the twinkly white lights, the tangible greetings from family and friends delivered right to our mailbox, the all Christmas music radio station (Bing Crosby, Vince Guaraldi and last but not least, Jon Bon Jovi’s Please Come Home for Christmas).

I tend to be more thankful at this time of year than at any other.

My kids are out-of-their-minds excited for Christmas; they decorated the house with gusto, happily picked out presents to give to each other and our family members, reminded me that it is tradition to put the tree in the corner of the room—NOT in front of the window. While I know that somewhere in their consciousness lurks the understanding that this holiday is about more than Santa Claus (unlike me, they are semi-regular church-goers), it is not often that that knowledge is exposed.

A case in point: Let’s flashback to five years ago. Nora was an infant and Liam was four years old. Henry was but a twinkle in my husband’s…eye. Overwhelmed by dirty diapers and a dearth of much-needed sleep, I came downstairs with the baby to find an empty house. I searched for Liam, who should have been happily ensconced in front of the TV, for five long minutes. On the brink of insanity, I happened to look outside. At the end of our driveway, stood a small, snow-covered figure with a bucket and a bell. Ripping open the front door, I shouted, “Liam! Get in here, this instant!”

Reluctantly, he trudged back up the hill with his bucket.

“What were you thinking, mister?”

“Nana told me never to pass someone with a bell without giving them money. I rang the bell, but no one stopped.” He was both wet and disappointed.

“Oh, buddy. What were you going to do with the donations?”

“Well, you won’t buy me that Star Wars blaster, so I’m gonna buy it myself.”

Obviously, this prompted a long conversation (alright, I’ll call a spade a spade—it was a lecture) about the Salvation Army, people’s basic needs and our family’s commitment to charitable giving, which has been repeated on multiple occasions over the years and augmented with both planned and random acts of kindness. Still, I wasn’t sure that any of the kids were getting the big picture.

And then between the blank stares and shrugged shoulders, I glimpsed a ray of light.

We were, as usual, running behind schedule. The kids missed the school bus so I dispersed them—Medium first, then Small, and finally, Large.

Liam trudged toward the double doors of the middle school, munching on toast and hefting an enormous backpack. Without warning, he spun around and headed back to the car. I put my window down. “What did you forget?”

“My money.”

I was immediately suspicious. “What are you bringing money to school for?”

He met my skepticism with righteous indignation. “I’m helping buy a turkey for a needy family. Do you think five dollars is enough?”

A buried memory of an e-newsletter burbled to the surface of my mind. I was speechless. Not only had he remembered the food drive without any parental reminders, but he was using his own savings to participate.

It was my tiny miracle.

Happy holidays, everyone.

I’m not sure why I got such a kick out of this sign, but I did. After reading it, I just sat in my car and giggled.

The irony?  This place is my local health food store.

Is lard better for you if it is locally made?  Discuss…

There’s no escaping the simple truth that some days go better than others. And on those “other” days, I do a lot of counting.

“Who’s screeching? What’s going on? Get up here. Now! 1, 2, 3….”

“He’s using the permanent markers?! I specifically told him…1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7…keep it together, Mary, keep it together…”

“That’s it. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You have until 3 to decide. One. Two.”

And then there are the days that I am beyond counting.

“JUST DO IT!” (This does not come out sounding like an inspirational Nike slogan.)

“NO! NO! How many times do I have to tell you?”

I am not proud of those moments when I lose my…cool. (There’s another four-letter word that better describes what I lose. Here’s a hint: starts with S.)

But I was even less proud when my husband laughingly told me to look at the back of our bedroom door.

At some point in the recent past, the kids made and hung signs all over the upstairs—Nora’s room, this way. Enter if you dare. Etc. They were cute. Plus, it occupied them for a full hour.

I hadn’t noticed the sign they made for me:

Great. That’s just great.

Once a year, my husband tries to grow a beard. He has not succeeded mostly because his facial hair tends to sprout in patches, which, as it grows longer, looks remarkably similar to the coat of a dog afflicted with mange. Being the supportive wife that I am, I mock him endlessly when he makes these attempts. I don’t know why he puts up with me.

It’s funny how differently things look to a four-year-old.

Small was on the toilet, doing some deep thinking. “Daddy?” he called, “How come you got-th hairth on you fayth and arm?”

My husband grinned at me and wandered into the bathroom to talk to his son. “Well, buddy, that’s just the way God made me.”

“Huh,” Small said, disappointed. “Den God made me pwain.”

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