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There’s almost nothing more comforting to me than wrapping myself in a blanket and curling up on the couch to spend an afternoon watching actors, now long dead, sing and dance their hearts out.
The irony is with my two left feet, I cannot dance, and when I do sing, it’s painful for me as well as everyone within earshot. Lest you think I am exaggerating, I introduce Exhibit A:
Exhibit A:
Growing up, unless it was Christmas, the music on our stereo was classical. Once, when my mother was out of the house, my father unearthed an old Beach Boys’ album. My sister and I very nearly went into shock. Consequently, I still can’t tell you the names of popular songs or identify the artists who are singing them.
Ha! you say. That isn’t so bad.
Oh no? Let’s talk about Exhibit B:
Exhibit B:
In college, I got a “C” in the jazz class I took as an elective. It was one of the classes where you only needed to show up in order to get an “A.” Well, I showed up. But I couldn’t dance.
Really, is it any wonder that I like old musicals? The people in them look happy–even when they’re sad–and they move around effortlessly in these spectacularly choreographed dance sequences in time to beautiful music.

Watching these movies is such an enjoyable experience for me that I force myself to overlook the sexist and racist overtones. These are things I never noticed as a kid. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers? It seemed totally normal for the brothers to kidnap girls and cart them off to a remote cabin in the woods. Daddy Long Legs? Fred Astaire had 30 years on Leslie Caron, but what’s age got to do with it? South Pacific? When Lieutenant Cable refuses to marry the little island girl because of the color of her skin, my heart still breaks.
I try to be careful about my selections (none of the aforementioned classics have made the cut as yet) and I add color commentary to the movies when I watch them with the kids (See, Professor Higgins helped turn Eliza into a princess but SHE was the one who did all the work!). It’s probably useless but it makes me feel better.
It was family movie night. Sick to death of animated talking cars, rats and fairies, I campaigned for something different.
“Do we want to watch the movie about the little orphan boy or the little orphan girl?”
“Boy!” shouted the boys.
“Girl!” said Nora simultaneously.
“We’re always going to be outnumbered in our family, Nora,” I said ruefully. “My vote is for Annie too.”
But the majority rules and Oliver Twist it was.
Even in middle-class American society, violence is everywhere; my kids have not been immune. They play lego video games (the players don’t die, per se, they’re disassembled), watch violence in sports, hear about it on the radio and see it on the news. It isn’t that I thought the kids were desensitized to death but I wasn’t prepared for their reaction to the brutality perpetrated by Bill. Honestly, I had forgotten that Bill kills Nancy.
Howls. Horror. Tears. They mourned Nancy’s loss and were outraged by Bill’s cruelty. Henry alone was blissfully ignorant. Being barely awake had dimmed his view of the scene unfolding on our TV screen. Unfortunately, it did not protect him from witnessing his brother and sister’s scene in the living room.
I guess I should be grateful that my kids have sympathetic souls – that their innocence still blooms. Still, I can’t help but wonder how they will possibly survive real life when they react this strongly to life in technicolor.
Dear Reader:
Everybody’s doing it, so why shouldn’t I?
Here are some of my favorite oinks from the last seven months (can you believe it’s been seven months?!). Maybe you’ve read them before. But, maybe not. I encourage you to read them. Again, if necessary. You’ll enjoy. I promise.
In closing, THANK YOU for coming on this ride with me. Keep the laughs going and the comments flowing. My best to you and yours for a happy and healthy 2010!
Peace and love,
Mary
Anatomy 101
Posted May 30, 2009
A short discussion about the birds and the bees.
Farewell Pepe Le Pew
Posted August 15, 2009
Standing trial after running over a small woodland creature.
The Secret of the Pork
Posted October 13, 2009
Why Small doesn’t know where bacon comes from.
Daddy Does
Posted October 30, 2009
Appreciation for my husband’s way of doing things.
H1N1 Hysteria
Posted November 16, 2009
Hell hath no fury like a surprised five-year-old.
Come Fly With Me
Posted September 22, 2009
My personal favorite.
Want more? Check out my Oldies But Goodies page. Then come back tomorrow night for an all new oink!
It’s that time of year. Heaps of stress, never-ending lists, presents that will not wrap themselves no matter how hard I wish it, (plus!) scheduling my annual pilgrimage to church with my mother.

The funny thing is, I love the holidays. I love the twinkly white lights, the tangible greetings from family and friends delivered right to our mailbox, the all Christmas music radio station (Bing Crosby, Vince Guaraldi and last but not least, Jon Bon Jovi’s Please Come Home for Christmas).
I tend to be more thankful at this time of year than at any other.
My kids are out-of-their-minds excited for Christmas; they decorated the house with gusto, happily picked out presents to give to each other and our family members, reminded me that it is tradition to put the tree in the corner of the room—NOT in front of the window. While I know that somewhere in their consciousness lurks the understanding that this holiday is about more than Santa Claus (unlike me, they are semi-regular church-goers), it is not often that that knowledge is exposed.
A case in point: Let’s flashback to five years ago. Nora was an infant and Liam was four years old. Henry was but a twinkle in my husband’s…eye. Overwhelmed by dirty diapers and a dearth of much-needed sleep, I came downstairs with the baby to find an empty house. I searched for Liam, who should have been happily ensconced in front of the TV, for five long minutes. On the brink of insanity, I happened to look outside. At the end of our driveway, stood a small, snow-covered figure with a bucket and a bell. Ripping open the front door, I shouted, “Liam! Get in here, this instant!”
Reluctantly, he trudged back up the hill with his bucket.
“What were you thinking, mister?”
“Nana told me never to pass someone with a bell without giving them money. I rang the bell, but no one stopped.” He was both wet and disappointed.
“Oh, buddy. What were you going to do with the donations?”
“Well, you won’t buy me that Star Wars blaster, so I’m gonna buy it myself.”
Obviously, this prompted a long conversation (alright, I’ll call a spade a spade—it was a lecture) about the Salvation Army, people’s basic needs and our family’s commitment to charitable giving, which has been repeated on multiple occasions over the years and augmented with both planned and random acts of kindness. Still, I wasn’t sure that any of the kids were getting the big picture.
And then between the blank stares and shrugged shoulders, I glimpsed a ray of light.
We were, as usual, running behind schedule. The kids missed the school bus so I dispersed them—Medium first, then Small, and finally, Large.
Liam trudged toward the double doors of the middle school, munching on toast and hefting an enormous backpack. Without warning, he spun around and headed back to the car. I put my window down. “What did you forget?”
“My money.”
I was immediately suspicious. “What are you bringing money to school for?”
He met my skepticism with righteous indignation. “I’m helping buy a turkey for a needy family. Do you think five dollars is enough?”
A buried memory of an e-newsletter burbled to the surface of my mind. I was speechless. Not only had he remembered the food drive without any parental reminders, but he was using his own savings to participate.
It was my tiny miracle.
Happy holidays, everyone.
There’s no escaping the simple truth that some days go better than others. And on those “other” days, I do a lot of counting.
“Who’s screeching? What’s going on? Get up here. Now! 1, 2, 3….”
“He’s using the permanent markers?! I specifically told him…1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7…keep it together, Mary, keep it together…”
“That’s it. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You have until 3 to decide. One. Two.”
And then there are the days that I am beyond counting.
“JUST DO IT!” (This does not come out sounding like an inspirational Nike slogan.)
“NO! NO! How many times do I have to tell you?”
I am not proud of those moments when I lose my…cool. (There’s another four-letter word that better describes what I lose. Here’s a hint: starts with S.)
But I was even less proud when my husband laughingly told me to look at the back of our bedroom door.
At some point in the recent past, the kids made and hung signs all over the upstairs—Nora’s room, this way. Enter if you dare. Etc. They were cute. Plus, it occupied them for a full hour.
I hadn’t noticed the sign they made for me:
Great. That’s just great.




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